Tag Archive for 'Southlake Counseling'

Your “Say Yes to Life” Monday Motivator: Finding a Reason to Recover, Part I

If you have ever found yourself thinking (or saying), “I don’t have a reason to recover”, “I can’t find a reason to recover”, “What’s the point of recovering”, “I don’t feel worth recovering for”, then the first thing you need to know is that you are not alone.

Everyone who has ever tried to recover or emerge from some significant trial has felt this way at one time or another. It is part of the human condition – to struggle, to doubt, to rally, and, for those who persevere, to triumph.

But what sets those who eventually do triumph apart from the rest?

George Lucas, pioneer of one of the most beloved movie series of all times, gets right to the heart of the matter when he says, “You have to find something that you love enough to be able to take risks, jump over the hurdles and break through the brick walls that are always going to be placed in front of you. If you don’t have that kind of feeling for what it is you’re doing, you’ll stop at the first giant hurdle.”

In this first of a three-part series on “Finding a Reason to Recover”, we will look at the power inherent in reasons. But what is a “reason”? The most commonly accepted definition is that a reason is “the basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction.”

So this basis or reason is where we start our journey. We start here because where we start is also what motivates us for every step we take after the first one. Once we understand this, it is easy to understand how where we start is often the greatest predictor for where we end up.

The good news is that our reasons can change over time, and when our reasons change, our prognosis and the outcome of our journey changes with it.

Using Star Wars giant George Lucas’ quote as a guide, let’s look at how reasons and, as Mr. Lucas says, “find[ing] something you love”, interact. The interesting thing about this dynamic duo is that, in the intersection of our motivation and emotion, there we also find CHOICE. This is what Mr. Lucas is referring to when he says that you have to find something that you love enough to take risks – risks to promote, protect, and preserve what you love, and risks to say no to what stands between you and the fulfillment and continued protection of that love.

Recently model Kate Moss was asked what her motto for life is. She replied, “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels”. This shocked the world, not just because Moss appears to be advocating for pro-eating disorder culture, but primarily because Kate Moss is a mother herself to a seven-year-old daughter.

This is what happens when we are not willing to acknowledge that all of life comes down to a series of choices, and that two opposing choices cannot continue to indefinitely occupy the same space. For instance, what is the prognosis for Moss to maintain her current stance in the future if her impressionable young daughter takes Mommy’s words to heart?

In other words, how will Moss’ reasons change when they begin to affect her own daughter?

For that matter, how will your own reasons change when you realize that, whether you currently believe you are worth recovering for – can recover – can even see the point of recovering – that you will never have the chance to find out if you don’t act NOW to save your own life?

So this is where we start. When interviewed, fully ninety percent of those who attempted suicide by leaping off of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco and survived told their interviewer that they realized on the way down that the problems they were killing themselves to escape were really quite solvable.

The same goes for you. And for us all. Life hands us problems – that is part of what life does. How we respond, however, is up to us. We can choose to respond with hopelessness or with positive action, and our outcomes will differ accordingly. Your eating disorder is but one of many ways in which, in the past and possibly still in the present, you have chosen to respond to the stresses and unknowns of life. Maybe you believed – still believe – that the eating disorder was the only way that you could adequately cope with your daily life.

But there are other ways that you can learn for responding and managing life’s uncertainties, and they are available to you if you want to learn them. However, you can’t learn them until you know what function and role the eating disorder serves in your life. It is helpful in this process of assessing your reasons, motivations, and choices to make a list of all the things that you believe your eating disorder provides to you. For instance, maybe your eating disorder provides you with a sense of protection, with a simple system to make sense of life’s complexities, with clear-cut daily goals….just make your list, and continue adding to it as new ideas arise.

Next, it is time to look at the cost of life with an eating disorder. What has the eating disorder prevented you from experiencing, seeing, or doing? Who would you be close to if the eating disorder did not consume so much of your attention and time? Who else that is important to you is being affected by your eating disordered thoughts and behaviors in a way that makes you worry for their wellbeing even if you feel disconnected from worry or concern for your own?

You will always be able to find reasons to stay sick. And, if you look for them, you will always be able to find reasons to get better. Your recovery prognosis really comes down to one simple act – which set of reasons will you choose to follow?

At Southlake Counseling, we understand firsthand the devastating effect than an eating disorder can have both on your life and on the lives of those who love you. We are pioneers in providing state-of-the-art, clinically-proven treatments for eating disorders in the Lake Norman area because we believe that every person has the right and ability to say “no” to the slow death of an eating disorder and YES to their own unique and precious life. If you or someone you love is struggling with disordered eating or an eating disorder, please contact us today at www.southlakecounseling.com. We look forward to your call, email, or visit very soon!

Be Well,

Kimberly

Published on Monday November 30, 2009 in Eating Disorders and Monday Motivator. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Why Can’t I Ever Be Good Enough?

Do you often find yourself thinking you are not smart enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not strong enough, not talented enough, not loving enough, not disciplined enough, not brave enough, not generous enough…fill-in-the-blanks NOT ENOUGH.

 “Not enough” often begins as a simple quest to be a better you. At first it feels normal, natural, reasonable even. You want to excel, to achieve, to do your best.

But somewhere along the way, the “enough” line in the sand gets moved, and before long you are routinely holding yourself to standards you would never dream of imposing on those around you. You wake up each morning, and instead of jumping out of bed feeling inspired and excited, you are battling waves of exhaustion and fear before the day has even begun. And even when success comes your way, you cannot allow yourself to enjoy it, because you are always bracing yourself against the next wave of self-disappointment.

Before long it feels like your life is one long hopeless lunge towards the carrot you no longer believe you have any right or ability to catch.

 How does this happen?  How could our good intentions to be our best get so twisted and tangled?

The foundation is often laid in our early years, long before our brains possess the abstract reasoning abilities to separate out the negative messages swirling around us from our internal assessments of those messages’ validity. When those around us experience shame, assign blame, externalize anger, or otherwise involve us in their own power struggles with themselves, we come away thinking their emotions, feelings, and thoughts are our own.  They feel inadequate…we are the inadequate one. They struggle with poor body image….we perceive ourselves as “fat” or “ugly.”  They have a bad day at work….it is our fault for not being “good” enough.

In short, we do not learn well where they end and we begin.

So what is the solution?  The simplest answer is found when we examine what happens when someone throws a boomerang in our direction. When we catch it, we send the sender – and ourselves – the message that whatever it brings to us is ours. But what happens if we don’t choose to catch it? When we refuse to reach out and catch a boomerang, it has no other choice but to return back to its sender, and we are freed from the burden of a battle that is not our own.

I used to catch the boomerang every time. I took in each message the world around me threw me that I was not enough as I was, that I needed to prove myself to earn my place, that I needed to change my outsides before my insides would be acceptable, that all my worth was tied up in my accomplishments. When “good” things would happen, I would experience a momentary high, only to be laid so low again when the tide inevitably turned. “Not enough” became my middle name…and in time it was the only name I recognized as my own.

When I entered my own process of recovery, I heard over and over again that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again expecting different results.” Slowly but surely, I learned how to catch myself when I was about to step onto the hamster wheel of “not enough” once again, and I learned that I could back away and head off in a new direction instead…a direction that felt more self-affirming, more self-loving, and more interested in the quality of the journey rather than in arriving at any specific destination.

Since then, I have dedicated my life to the pursuit of unconditional self-love and self-acceptance. I have realized over the years that it simply feels better to be my own friend, to stand on my own side. I have also realized that when I feel better about me, it becomes easier to allow myself to succeed, because my definition of success has changed accordingly.

When I view myself as “enough”, regardless of what a single day’s events may bring, I allow myself to celebrate even my foibles and fears as the teachers they are, and I hold up hope high in front of my own eyes as the carrot I have already attained.

An Experiential Example: Go Ahead, Compare Yourself

When you read the phrase above, you probably caught yourself saying, “What? Compare myself? But I’ve been told comparing myself to others is the root of all my problems!”

My answer to this is, “It depends on what you focus on.” For instance, what normally happens when we compare ourselves to others is that we think we are comparing apples to apples as we are focusing on specific areas where we believe we don’t measure up.

However, we rarely spend any time examining our standards for comparison. Are they realistic? Can the subject of our comparison even meet those standards – in other words, are they even attainable?

So let’s take a simple example to illustrate the point. You might want to have your journal handy for this exercise.

For part one of the exercise, think of someone whom you believe embodies your “physical ideal” – the person you most wish you looked like. Now compare your own physical measurements to that person. Spend a few moments dwelling on the differences you perceive between you and the target of your comparison. Notice your inner state, your thoughts and the emotions you are experiencing as you ponder those perceived differences. How do you feel? How willing are you to actually “go for it” and reach for your own stars while you are experiencing these types of thoughts and emotions? Jot down some notes in your journal.

Next, make a list of all the achievements you are proud of, from early childhood to the present day. Be sure to list out every accomplishment you can recall – big or small. Now, compare your list to that of composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart at age twelve. Consider as you are reviewing your own list of accomplishments to date that, by that time Mozart was twelve years old, he already spoke fifteen languages and had composed numerous major pieces of music, including an opera. Again, spend a few moments dwelling on the differences between your list and Mozart’s list of accomplishments. Notice your inner state, your thoughts and the emotions you are experiencing as you ponder those perceived differences. Ask yourself how willing you are to actually “go for it” and reach for your own stars while you are experiencing these types of thoughts and emotions. How do you feel? Jot down any notes in your journal.

The first time I did this exercise, I felt predictably miserable by the time I reached this point. I was also wondering what the heck the purpose of the exercise was – I was perfectly capable of making myself miserable without any extra help, thank you very much!

And that is precisely the point. Let’s just say you have believed for quite some time that, if only your outer appearance looked different, or if only your list of accomplishments were longer, you would feel so much better and be so much happier, more successful, and more accepted.

Yet you are wasting so much perfectly valuable energy that is gridlocked in just getting you through a day bogged down by impossible comparisons – energy you could be pouring into your work, your family life, your relationships, and your relationship with YOU. You think the comparisons will help you feel better, do better, be better.

But they are the obstacle – the only obstacle – in your path.

So the question then becomes, “When does it make sense to let those comparisons go, in the name of actually experiencing that happiness, joy, success, satisfaction, body- and self-love they have been promising to deliver to you one day, some day, when you finally measure up?”

And the answer is, “NOW.”

Letting go of “not enough” can feel daunting when you are facing down the challenge alone. But help is available. At Southlake Counseling, we know firsthand how painful it feels to live in a constant state of self-disappointment. We understand how powerful “not enough” can be as a negative motivator. Most importantly, we know that it is possible to break free into “enough” – to learn to love ourselves, our bodies, our relationships, our lives, and ourselves, right where we are, as we are.

If you want to say NO to “not enough” and say YES to life, contact us today at 704.896.7776 or Kkrueger@centerforselfdisocovery.com  We look forward to meeting you and celebrating the day you look “not enough” straight in the eyes and say “never again!”

Be well,

Kimberly

p.s. Stay tuned for next week’s Say Yes to Life Monday Motivator for more on this important topic.



Published on Monday November 9, 2009 in Self-esteem and Uncategorized. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Your “Say Yes to Life” Monday Motivator: Loving Yourself Unconditionally – If Not Now, Then When, Part II

What does “loving yourself” mean? How do you know you are doing it? How do you know you are not doing it? And what do you do if it doesn’t feel okay to love yourself, and you often catch yourself wondering “if I can’t love myself, now, today, then when? When will I finally be able to look in my own eyes and see someone worth loving looking back at me?”

In last week’s Monday Motivator, we started our journey toward finding answers to these tough but critical questions by exploring the definition of love and how to distinguish between conditional and unconditional love.

 As we continue with part two of our three-part series on unconditional self-love this week, we will look at how love becomes conditional, how regular doses of conditional love affect us in the short- and long-term, and how practicing conditional self-love limits us.

 How Love Becomes Conditional

Parents love their children. This is a controversial assertion, but children do not come with a manual, and parents do not bring a baby into the world feeling fully equipped to handle the unknowns of raising a child, so mistakes are bound to happen. Sometimes those mistakes are small, and sometimes those mistakes are very big, and the mistakes that are made almost always relate back to where there is lack, ignorance, and pain in the parents’ own lives, rather than out of a conscious intent to hurt, scar, wound, or otherwise impact the child’s ability to grow up happy, healthy, and whole.

Conditional love first begins to show its face when criticism is attached to who we are, rather than to what we have done. Think back to a time in your life when you first heard the words “You’ve been bad” or “You’re a bad girl/boy”. Now think about what you were doing when your parents, caregivers, or teachers said this to you. Chances are, you were drawing on the walls, watching cartoons outside of your allotted television-watching hours, sneaking a cookie, or even hiding your report card. What was actually being addressed when you were labeled “bad” for what you were doing was your action in the moment, not your being over the continuum of time.

Yet this criticism tends to begin taking place when our brains are still in the developmental stage where things are perceived as “all bad” or “all good” – we have not yet developed abstract reasoning abilities to separate out the white from the black or develop our awareness of the grey in between. We do not yet understand that the possibility exists that we could be good in our being, while being bad in our actions….or, in other words, that our parents or teachers could love who we are even when they don’t particularly like what we do.

 How Conditional Love Becomes Our Identity

The trouble with this style of parenting and instructing is of the “pass it on” variety – it is a learned behavior that is passed from parent-to-child, teacher-to-student, and on and on. The real impact conditional love has on us, however, comes because it is introduced at a time in our lives when our brains have not yet learned to think in “grey.” Over time, repeated exposure to similar harsh words of conditional love become internalized as a part of our innate worth or lack thereof. This is why, as adolescents and adults, we do not even stop to question ourselves when we start to self-motivate (and later to motivate our own children) using the same techniques our parents, teachers, and caregivers first used on us.

Do you wonder if you do this? To find out, think back to a time – recently or in the past – when you scolded yourself by saying “Look how stupid you are – how could you have done that!” or “If only s/he would ask me out/give me the job/give me an ’A,’ then I would know I am worth loving.”

How Conditional Love Limits Us

If you can think of an example to the contemplation above, then you already know how limiting conditional self-love can be, and you know how impossible it feels to practice the Golden Rule to “love your neighbor as yourself.”

 The Golden Rule essentially states that what we wish to receive from others we must first learn to give to ourselves.

But how do we do this? Stay tuned next week for some practical exercises that can give you a direct experience of how powerful the skill of unconditional self-love can be.

 How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy Can Help

At Southlake Counseling, we have experienced how painful conditional love can be. We know it is difficult to do or be our best when who we are and how we perform feels inextricably linked. And this is where IFS Therapy can help.

IFS Therapy is a uniquely effective approach to restoring loving relationships with self and valued others. Clients  of IFS learn to identify patterns of internal dialogue that create conflict and interfere with their ability to pursue healthy, productive change. IFS is a powerful vehicle for restoring  your  sense of self through promoting self-curiosity, self-compassion, and self-confidence. Southlake Counseling professionals have many years of training and experiencing in guiding students who wish to experience the full benefits of this powerful therapeutic practice.

Call us today at 704-896-7776 or email me at Kkrueger@centerforselfdisocovery.com to learn more about how IFS Therapy can help you say NO to conditional love and YES to life!

 Be Well,

 Kimberly

Published on Sunday November 1, 2009 in Monday Motivator and Self-esteem. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

What is IFS?

          The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model of therapy has been developed over the past two decades by Richard Schwartz and is based on the concept of self-leadership as the ideal. IFS relies on a client’s own intuitive wisdom and therefore offers a safe, nonpathological, and empowering approach to psychotherapy. Schwartz believes that any client can benefit from the techniques used in IFS therapy, but that it is particularly helpful for the client who has been humiliated and feels worthless, or for those who have suffered loss or been devastated by trauma.

            The basic premise of IFS is that internally, an individual is constantly listening to many different voices and is engaged in various thought patterns and emotions, which are similar to complex external relationships he may have with other people. When a person believes himself to be “thinking,” he is often having an inner dialogue with one or more of his parts. As people develop, their parts develop and form a complex system of interactions among themselves, and the functioning of this internal system can be examined using the systems theory. The IFS model posits that each individual is composed of many internal parts, and that the Self is the true core of each individual. The Self is not only viewed as separate from the other parts, but the goal of IFS is to for the Self to be recognized and respected as the leader of the other parts. Schwartz uses a board room analogy to illustrate the ideal role of the Self at the head of the table and in the position of chairman, with the parts in the chairs around the table. The parts are all respected and important in their roles, but the chairman (Self) does not give up his seat at the head of the table to any of them.

          IFS also contains spiritual components in reference to the Self as being similar to the soul of a human being. Schwartz promotes that all individuals have at their core a true Self that innately possesses qualities such as curiosity, compassion, calmness, confidence, courage, clarity, creativity, and connectedness – natural leadership qualities. As individuals go through life and experience various events which their system perceives as traumatic, or other extreme emotional consequences, their true Selves become obscured by these new emotions and beliefs, which become their parts. IFS assumes that the intention of each part is something positive for the individual, such as protection or motivation, therefore there are no “bad” parts. The goal of IFS therapy is not to eliminate the parts, but to help them find less extreme roles. The goal for the individual is to be able to separate his true Self from the parts, view the parts with compassion and curiosity, and regain his innate sense of calmness, confidence and clarity.

            The parts in the IFS model of therapy are those separate internal characteristics of an individual that are not qualities of his true Self. They could be emotions or beliefs such as anger, fear, shame, or distrust, which have been programmed into a person by external events or messages, and they all have a reason for being there or an ingrained role to play. For instance, if a girl grows up in an abusive environment, she may eventually come to believe that she is worthless and is not deserving of being treated with kindness and acceptance. Through IFS therapy, her worthless part can be separated from her true Self and be seen as only a part of her. Then perhaps her true Self can be curious about how the worthless part came to be, what it is telling her, and how she can develop compassion for it. In this way, her true Self can come to acknowledge and respect the worthless part, and either unburden it of its feelings of worthlessness based on the abuse she suffered, or give it a more helpful role to play in protecting her. Schwartz believes that after an individual’s true Self becomes curious about one of his parts and begins to acknowledge and respect it, he can begin to have compassion for its purpose in his internal world.

            One of the most important aspects of the IFS model of therapy is the safety of its use with the client, and the safety the client feels in referring to any undesirable emotion or characteristic as only a part of him. In IFS parts sessions, the client is in control of which parts to address and to what depth, so the therapeutic process is safely client-driven. Likewise, most clients are more accepting of referring to an undesirable trait as only part of them, and not their true Self. For instance, the woman who was abused as a child may be more comfortable saying, “Part of me is still very angry at the person who hurt me when I was a little girl,” rather than, “I am still very angry at this person.” The difference is that while it is healthy to acknowledge the anger and hurt, it may be liberating to accept that the adult woman is not obligated to carry it around with her and allow it to affect every aspect of her life if it is only a part of her, and not her true Self.

Debbie Parrott, MSW, P-LCSW

Southlake Counseling



Published on Friday October 23, 2009 in Article and Self-esteem. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Say, “Yes” to Life!

Providing inspiration, motivation, and encouragement for doing the hard work of recovery so that you can “Say ‘Yes’ to Life!”

Hello! My name is Kimberly Krueger, MSW, LCSW. I am the Founder/Director of the Southlake Center in Davidson, NC.

I am excited about sharing my experience, strength, hope, and expertise with you through my new “Say Yes to Life” Blog.

I have nearly two decades of experience helping people who struggle with eating disorders, body image disturbance, self injury, trauma, substance abuse, interpersonal relationship challenges, depression and anxiety. Beyond that, I know what it feels like to struggle from the inside out, because I have been in  recovery from an eating disorder, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem – for almost 20 years!

I do this work because I can see past the temporary struggle to the whole, healthy, vibrantly ALIVE human being underneath. I see you – and I know that just as I overcame my own battles, YOU CAN TOO.

This is why I have made it my life’s work to use my professional expertise and personal story to help and inspire as many people as possible who want to learn to say a firm and decisive NO to disordered thoughts and coping behaviors…and say YES to life!

I will look forward to hearing from you as we explore all of the ways you can say YES to recovery, to hope, to help, and to your own life. My colleagues will be blogging along with me on complementary topics – all in an effort to provide you with a comprehensive source of recovery, health, and wellness information!

As we go along, please feel welcome to share your comments, ideas, requests, and suggestions here, and let me know how I can support and encourage you.

Be Well.

Kimberly

Published on Monday October 19, 2009 in Eating Disorders, Mood Disorders and Self-esteem. 0 Comments Tags: , .