Tag Archive for 'relationships'

Your Say Yes to Life Monday Motivator: Couples in Conflict

You love me…you love me not. I love you…I love you not.

Whether it’s Valentine’s Day, an anniversary, or any other chance to renew our commitment to our partner, have we ever stopped to wonder why these reminder events are such a marketer’s playground, or why when they come around each year we are suddenly able to find the time, energy, and money to drop whatever we would otherwise be doing to make plans for displays of affection?

Love isn’t easy, period. Love is not easy to come by, and it is not easy to keep.  And it is extraordinarily painful to lose, but couples who once were madly in love with each other fight, split, and divorce on a daily basis. They also spend months and sometimes years after the split still struggling to figure out why it happened and how to pick up the pieces and move on.

If it is not easy to love a deux, it can be traced back to our own difficulties with loving ourselves. We cannot love someone we do not know – and often, each half of a new couple comes into the relationship willing and able to spend more time getting to know the other person than getting to know themselves.  We don’t know why we get angry, or what triggers it. We tell new partners about how past partners have deliberately “pushed our buttons,” and then we blame those past partners for love’s earlier unhappy endings. We tell ourselves we are sure it will be different this time – new partner, new love, new beginning.

Until it starts happening all over again with our new partner, and we suddenly begin to smell a rat. We may then start to wake up and realize that, if the only constant in a recurring pattern is us, then we are the one who holds the power to change that dynamic rather than risk yet another painful loss.

In Internal Family Systems (IFS), a powerful and dynamic therapeutic model that explores our inner world interactions in all their many parts, we learn that both in and out of love, we are multi-faceted beings.  We are fascinating, really – we have so many thoughts, so many emotions, so many memories, so many experiences. And within the context of a love relationship the environment is especially ripe for all of those thoughts, emotions, memories, and experiences to collide in our attempt to preserve the love we have while protecting ourselves from more pain.

IFS students soon learn that we have the Hurt Child, who remembers the very first breakup and wants to make sure she never, ever has to go through that again. We have our Inner Critic, who remembers past harsh words from former loves that hit too close to home, and reminds us that we are our own worst enemy and that any pain we have felt in the past is our own fault. We have our inner Champion, who will do battle to ensure that no interloper – even a loving one with good intentions – gets close enough to harm us. And we have the Blamer, who steadfastly maintains that, regardless of whatever repeatedly unfortunate circumstances may befall us, we have no one to blame but somebody else.

Couples in conflict can benefit greatly from becoming students of themselves, and IFS is a model uniquely well-suited to that exploration. In IFS couples therapy, each partner can start to learn how “pushing buttons” actually arises when an inner facet of self that bears past painful memories gets triggered into self-protective action by a partner’s comment or action. IFS’ self-awareness training enables each participant in the relationship to check their reactions against their inner awareness before responding in customary knee-jerk reaction ways to their partner. For instance, is the Blaming part of you judging your partner because it is easier than bearing the self-judgment of your own Inner Critic? Is the Hurt Child going away just when he should come closer because one hurt was enough, and when that original hurt happened he was a child and didn’t know what else to do but flee?

IFS training in the context of couples communication helps each participant to recognize that each of these parts is doing the best they can to protect us. We can then begin to learn new communication skills that start with self-awareness and self-evaluation. We can forestall knee-jerk reactions that may further damage our treasured relationship and create new patterns of interaction that are healthier, more mature, and more self- and love-affirming.

If you are feeling stretched and challenged by the dynamics of a valued love relationship, Internal Family Systems therapy can help. At Southlake Counseling, we have over two decades of expertise with guiding couples to salvage, restore, and rebuild the love they have worked so hard to cultivate. Contact us at www.southlakecounseling.com and experience for yourself just how wonderful saying “no” to unhealthy conflict and YES to love and life can be!

Be Well,

Kimberly

Published on Monday March 1, 2010 in Monday Motivator. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Your “Say Yes to Life” Monday Motivator: Interpersonally Speaking

Welcome to week four of our discussion about Dr. Marsha Linehan’s Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT).

Over the last three weeks we have addressed three of the four core modules that make up the DBT Skills Training –Mindfulness, Emotion Regulation, and Distress Tolerance. For our final week of exploration, we will tie it all together with an adventure into the fourth and final module – Interpersonal Effectiveness.

For many students of DBT, interpersonal effectiveness can feel like the most challenging module of all, because even if we think that the issues that motivate us to seek out the help of therapeutic professionals are caused by other people, we eventually discover that they are best solved by strengthening our relationship with the most important person in our life – ourselves.

So in the first three modules of our DBT work, we get to examine our traditional mental, emotional, and relational responses to the day-to-day experiences we have in our own lives, and then from there we begin to explore how adding new skills can increase our self-confidence and efficacy in meeting our own personal goals.

In the final module, we get to “take our skills to the streets”, so to speak, as we apply our newfound intrapersonal skills to learning the art of interpersonal effectiveness.  For most of us, when we take a closer look at how we have been approaching and managing our relationships, we realize there is a lot of room for improvement. But if we have been faithfully studying and applying the skills we’ve learned in the first three DBT modules, by the time we get to the fourth module we have a foundation of confidence that allows us to tackle this final challenge with our awareness of the payoff for doing this hard work firmly in place.

So when we first begin studying DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness module, we begin with a self-assessment of how we have traditionally handled issues like conflict, asserting our opinions and preferences, and meeting our needs in relationship with others. We look at whether we have been able to attract and foster relationships that are healthy and stable, weather tough times while keeping the connection and respect we feel for ourselves and others intact, and achieve personal satisfaction and fulfillment in the midst of interpersonal growth and development.

We then begin learning new ways of addressing interpersonal issues we have identified as less than satisfactory.

For instance, let’s say your spouse has a habit of barking orders at you the moment you walk in the door. You are usually tired when you get home from a long day at work, and after fighting to make your voice heard with your boss and co-workers (an opinionated lot to say the least) you have little energy left over to make the same degree of effort with your husband.

But now, with your newfound interpersonal effectiveness training, you understand that not speaking up for yourself actually takes more out of you, and uses up more valuable energy, than staying quiet. The next time you come home and the barking orders commences, you lay a hand lightly on your husband’s chest, meet his eyes directly, and calmly and clearly say, “I am tired. I need to shower, change into my comfy clothes, and have something to eat. You are welcome to sit with me while I eat and unwind. But I cannot talk with you about what you need from me until after I have had a chance to rest a bit from my day. Do we have a deal?”

From there, depending on how your spouse responds, you can progress accordingly with rolling out your new interpersonal effectiveness skills. Furthermore, since DBT training is most often conducted through a combination of weekly individual and group meetings, with optional individual telephone sessions for added support, you have the support of an entire team who is working with you to help you refine, manage, and develop your skills for the benefit of all concerned.

So give yourself the gift of new, shiny interpersonal skills in the New Year. Relationships are the heartbeat of what makes life feel like living, what motivates to us to crawl out of our warm beds on cold mornings, what encourages us when our job doesn’t deliver on its promises or our boss has a bad day, and what keeps our chin up when the economy takes a nosedive or natural disaster strikes. We naturally turn to our relationships for support, comfort, meaning, and reconnection – to share both sorrow and joy – and to remind ourselves that all the hard work we do throughout the rest of each day finds its fulfillment in the rewards of our relationships with ourselves and others at day’s end.

At Southlake Counseling, we have been studying and teaching the four core modules of DBT for more than two decades. We have seen hundreds of amazing transformations as individuals have learned, participated in our groups and in individual therapy sessions, and emerged to experience all the wonderful benefits that DBT skills-building has to offer. If your New Year’s intentions or resolutions include strengthening and deepening your relationships with loved ones, colleagues, friends, and family, we look forward to hearing from you at www.southlakecounseling.com very soon!

Be Well,

Kimberly

Published on Monday January 25, 2010 in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and Monday Motivator. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Your Say Yes to Life Monday Motivator: Saying YES to Life in the New Year!

“Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful” is the opening line to a popular Christmas carol.

2009 has been a very rough year for a lot of us in an assortment of ways – financially, emotionally, physically….we have all been affected by the unavoidable shifts and changes in the world around us.

So as we meet here together for the last Monday in 2009, we may be tempted to carry that perspective into 2010. It is frightful outside, and it is easier, safer, better, unavoidable, to stay inside by the warm fire – instead of fighting for change. Well, yes it is. But does it work – and will it help us to say no to the fears and doubts that keep us feeling small and stuck and instead say YES to the life we really want and dream of living in 2010?

Don’t get me wrong – there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying a cozy warm fire, especially if you are surrounded by supportive loved ones and some hot eggnog or spiced cider. But we can’t make it into a lifestyle. There is always something that we can do now to change our circumstances and move in the direction of our dreams. We may not have power we might wish for to transform our outer environment, but we always retain the power to change the world within ourselves for the better.

To help us remember this as the New Year draws closer, we need to acknowledge now that 2010 will have its frightful days too. Some days we will be very tempted to stoke the fire, crawl back onto the couch, put off until tomorrow what we should have dealt with yesterday and still could today.

Acknowledging this, we may even now be considering what New Year’s Resolutions we want to make on January 1, 2010. But this may not be the approach that serves us best in saying “no” to what didn’t work for us in 2009 and YES to our ability to explore what does work in 2010.

The problem with New Year’s Resolutions is that they lack perspective –as do we when we are making them. For instance, we forget that they are year-long resolutions, just as full of ups-and-downs as any year will be, and only achievable over time. Resolutions rarely factor in the small, daily steps we need to get from here to there. They live in giant leaps – leaps which more often than not prove to be neither possible nor safe to attempt. Finally, resolutions often address our determination to change our outer circumstances, rather than focusing on the only place where we can ever hope to change anything – inside ourselves.

So this year, I would like to suggest that we forgo the traditional New Year’s resolutions in favor of New Year’s intentions. Intention, unlike resolution, is flexible. Moreover, intention is gentle, recognizing that there is a bigger picture that adds up over time if we just stick with our intention for long enough. Intentions are also relational – recognizing that the good of each individual is only achievable by seeking not just our own good, but the good of those around us as well. Most importantly, intentions come from deep within us, forcing us to dig down underneath concrete goals like “get a new job”, “eat healthier”, or “fix the problems in a relationship” to find what stands in between us and our ability to achieve our heart-held goals.

So now, start thinking about the intentions you wish to pay attention to in your new year. Are you worried about cherished relationships? Ask yourself what you can do to better cherish yourself so that you will have more to offer to cherished others as well.  Do you long for greater equanimity in the face of situational difficulties? What can you do to identify what evokes feelings of peace within yourself, and include those activities in your daily schedule? Are you seeking financial stability? Maybe it is time to end the harsh inner criticism you have been feeding yourself in favor of simply asking for help to better understand and change your financial picture.

At Southlake Counseling, we are excited to see what the New Year will bring! We have been privileged over the last two decades to witness countless individuals’ inner transformations – transformations that have led to amazing outer shifts as well. Do you need help forming intentions and figuring out how to bring your dreams into reality? Are you still grappling with the fear, hesitation, and doubt that a hard economic year engenders in us all? Do you know that 2010 must be different, but are just not sure how to make the changes you dream of? Contact us at www.southlakecounseling.com today. Together, we can help you say “no” to self-limiting thoughts and behavior patterns and YES to your own limitless possibilities for 2010!

Be Well,

Kimberly


Published on Tuesday December 29, 2009 in Monday Motivator. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Your “Say Yes to Life” Monday Motivator: Loving Yourself Unconditionally – If Not Now, Then When, Part II

What does “loving yourself” mean? How do you know you are doing it? How do you know you are not doing it? And what do you do if it doesn’t feel okay to love yourself, and you often catch yourself wondering “if I can’t love myself, now, today, then when? When will I finally be able to look in my own eyes and see someone worth loving looking back at me?”

In last week’s Monday Motivator, we started our journey toward finding answers to these tough but critical questions by exploring the definition of love and how to distinguish between conditional and unconditional love.

 As we continue with part two of our three-part series on unconditional self-love this week, we will look at how love becomes conditional, how regular doses of conditional love affect us in the short- and long-term, and how practicing conditional self-love limits us.

 How Love Becomes Conditional

Parents love their children. This is a controversial assertion, but children do not come with a manual, and parents do not bring a baby into the world feeling fully equipped to handle the unknowns of raising a child, so mistakes are bound to happen. Sometimes those mistakes are small, and sometimes those mistakes are very big, and the mistakes that are made almost always relate back to where there is lack, ignorance, and pain in the parents’ own lives, rather than out of a conscious intent to hurt, scar, wound, or otherwise impact the child’s ability to grow up happy, healthy, and whole.

Conditional love first begins to show its face when criticism is attached to who we are, rather than to what we have done. Think back to a time in your life when you first heard the words “You’ve been bad” or “You’re a bad girl/boy”. Now think about what you were doing when your parents, caregivers, or teachers said this to you. Chances are, you were drawing on the walls, watching cartoons outside of your allotted television-watching hours, sneaking a cookie, or even hiding your report card. What was actually being addressed when you were labeled “bad” for what you were doing was your action in the moment, not your being over the continuum of time.

Yet this criticism tends to begin taking place when our brains are still in the developmental stage where things are perceived as “all bad” or “all good” – we have not yet developed abstract reasoning abilities to separate out the white from the black or develop our awareness of the grey in between. We do not yet understand that the possibility exists that we could be good in our being, while being bad in our actions….or, in other words, that our parents or teachers could love who we are even when they don’t particularly like what we do.

 How Conditional Love Becomes Our Identity

The trouble with this style of parenting and instructing is of the “pass it on” variety – it is a learned behavior that is passed from parent-to-child, teacher-to-student, and on and on. The real impact conditional love has on us, however, comes because it is introduced at a time in our lives when our brains have not yet learned to think in “grey.” Over time, repeated exposure to similar harsh words of conditional love become internalized as a part of our innate worth or lack thereof. This is why, as adolescents and adults, we do not even stop to question ourselves when we start to self-motivate (and later to motivate our own children) using the same techniques our parents, teachers, and caregivers first used on us.

Do you wonder if you do this? To find out, think back to a time – recently or in the past – when you scolded yourself by saying “Look how stupid you are – how could you have done that!” or “If only s/he would ask me out/give me the job/give me an ’A,’ then I would know I am worth loving.”

How Conditional Love Limits Us

If you can think of an example to the contemplation above, then you already know how limiting conditional self-love can be, and you know how impossible it feels to practice the Golden Rule to “love your neighbor as yourself.”

 The Golden Rule essentially states that what we wish to receive from others we must first learn to give to ourselves.

But how do we do this? Stay tuned next week for some practical exercises that can give you a direct experience of how powerful the skill of unconditional self-love can be.

 How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy Can Help

At Southlake Counseling, we have experienced how painful conditional love can be. We know it is difficult to do or be our best when who we are and how we perform feels inextricably linked. And this is where IFS Therapy can help.

IFS Therapy is a uniquely effective approach to restoring loving relationships with self and valued others. Clients  of IFS learn to identify patterns of internal dialogue that create conflict and interfere with their ability to pursue healthy, productive change. IFS is a powerful vehicle for restoring  your  sense of self through promoting self-curiosity, self-compassion, and self-confidence. Southlake Counseling professionals have many years of training and experiencing in guiding students who wish to experience the full benefits of this powerful therapeutic practice.

Call us today at 704-896-7776 or email me at Kkrueger@centerforselfdisocovery.com to learn more about how IFS Therapy can help you say NO to conditional love and YES to life!

 Be Well,

 Kimberly

Published on Sunday November 1, 2009 in Monday Motivator and Self-esteem. 0 Comments Tags: , , , .

Your ‘Say Yes to Life’ Monday Motivator: Loving Yourself Unconditionally—If Not Now, Then When, Part I

In her song “If Not Now….” songwriter Tracy Chapman sings,

 If not now then when
If not today then
Why make your promises
A love declared for days to come
Is as good as none

While we may have grown up listening to the adults around us exhorting us to follow the Golden Rule by “loving our neighbor as ourselves,” how many of these adults actually spent time discussing with us or modeling for us how to accomplish the second part of that famous phrase?

 What does “loving yourself” mean? How do you know you are doing it? How do you know you are not doing it? And what do you do if it doesn’t feel okay to love yourself, and you often catch yourself wondering “if I can’t love myself, now, today, then when? When will I finally be able to look in my own eyes and see someone worth loving looking back at me?”

 In this three-part series, we will spend some time tackling the answers to these tough but essential questions. But first, let’s start by discussing what is meant by the term “love.”

 When we think of love, hear the word love, contemplate love in our lives, we seldom dissect for ourselves the many forms love can take, or how many of those forms are not truly love, but are rather some form of outwardly-expressed need, greed, lack, selfishness, manipulation, fear, or pride on the part of the giver.

 Unconditional Love

Love itself is commonly defined as “a deep and enduring emotional regard, usually for another person.” The key word in this definition is “enduring.” The quality of endurance – of being able to maintain and even grow the quality of emotional regard amidst the ups and downs of our own and another human being’s daily life, is what distinguishes true love – what we commonly call “unconditional” love – from the other, lesser kinds of so-called love.

 Conditional Love

“Conditional” love is actually what many of us more often experience – and conditional love does not have the quality of endurance that ensures it will be around when we need it the most. Conditional love will quickly desert us during those times when we are feeling low and showing it, when we are visibly struggling or stumbling, when we are small-minded, closed-hearted, mean-spirited, afraid, judgmental, or otherwise human in our approach to life, experiences, and other human beings. Conditional love will make us doubt, even fear, the presence of love in our lives, even as it leaves us longing for more.

 Recognizing “Real” Love

In contrast with conditional love, real love is always unconditional. Where unconditional love dwells, conditional love is not allowed to enter. And where conditional love lives, unconditional love will decline to go.

 Some real life examples of each that we are all familiar with might include the following: When we watch daytime court drama, soap operas, nasty public divorces, or drawn-out custody battles, we are watching conditional love at play. Conversely, when we watch a wife caring round-the-clock for a husband who is battling cancer, a mother tirelessly supporting a child with a learning disability, a sibling repeatedly sticking up for another sibling who is being bullied AND teaching that sibling how to fight back on her own behalf, we see the quality of endurance that signifies unconditional love.

 Some sure-fire clues to recognize which is which include the following – over time, unconditional love breeds patience, kindness, self-control, a big-picture perspective on small circumstances, empathy, mutual trust, and peace. Conditional love, on the other hand, always and often breeds only one end result – pain.

Please join us next week for Part II as we continue our exploration of developing unconditional self-love.

 How Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy Can Help

At Southlake Counseling, we understand how painful conditional love can be – whether it is experienced through our relationships with others or imposed upon ourselves from within. We know what it feels like to want to connect without knowing how to do so safely and from a place of self-respect.

 IFS Therapy is a uniquely effective approach to restoring loving relationships with self and valued others. Clients of IFS learn to identify patterns of internal dialogue that create conflict and interfere with their ability to pursue healthy, productive change. IFS is a powerful vehicle for restoring your sense of self through promoting self-curiosity, self-compassion, and self-confidence. Southlake Counseling professionals have many years of training and experiencing in guiding clients who wish to experience the full benefits of this powerful therapeutic practice.

Call us today at 704-896-7776 or email me at Kkrueger@centerforselfdisocovery.com to learn more about how IFS Therapy can help you say NO to conditional love and YES to life!

Be Well,

Kimberly


Published on Wednesday October 28, 2009 in Monday Motivator. 0 Comments Tags: , , .