Archive for the 'Wellness' Category

Fear and My Bicycle

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When I was a little girl, I suffered a fairly serious foot injury as a result of a bicycle accident at the bottom of my grandparents’ driveway. Fortunately, I healed and have no permanent damage except for a nasty scar, but I spent that entire summer having to soak my foot several times a day. I was miserable being stuck inside with a gaping hole in my foot, and feeling left out that my friends were outside playing or swimming at the pool. So for the next few years, I avoided a bicycle out of fear that it would take me out of commission from everything else that I enjoyed.

As I have gotten older, I have developed a huge fondness for cycling, and my bicycle has actually taught me a lot about fear. For instance, while I was on a recent bike ride, it started to rain. I wasn’t yet that far from home, but worrying about the sudden thunderstorms of summer, I decided to turn back and change my route to circle my neighborhood in case the weather deteriorated. While I was riding, I started to think about how this pattern reflects many other areas of my life. When something slightly different or threatening starts to happen, I often become afraid that something much worse will follow, and sometimes I even change my course to not stray too far from what is familiar and safe. How sad is it when I allow my fear of what might happen dictate my ability to leave my comfort zone? And even sadder, what am I missing by worrying that a storm may come, when a good thunderstorm can actually be fun?

In Thom Rutledge’s book Embracing Fear, he proposes that fear is healthy when it is the rational kind and is warning us of some real and imminent danger, yet unhealthy when it is neurotic and based on the past or our imagination. Healthy fear is quiet unless there is something actually threatening our safety, then it is very clear about what we are to do. Unhealthy fear is that constant chatter in our heads warning us about what could happen, even though we may have no evidence to prove it ever will, and it certainly isn’t at the moment.

Back to my bike. Healthy fear was engaged a few weeks ago when a deer ran out in front of me on a bike ride, and I had to make a snap decision whether to go right, go left, or try to stop. The fear was very clear in its message – watch what the deer does, and do the opposite. Unhealthy fear would be in play if I never rode my bike on that road again, because I was afraid a deer might run out in front of me. I have, and it hasn’t. And besides that, if I handled the situation the first time, I certainly could if it happened again. 

So today I went on a ride, and was listening to that neurotic fear chatting away in my head about a totally different situation in my life. “What if … You better not … You know what’s going to happen if …”  You get the picture.

As is fairly common on my bike rides, I had an epiphany as I started to descend a hill over a section of broken pavement. How much scarier is it for me to go fast down this hill, than it was to climb it about an hour ago?  Translation: Even though nothing in my life is a huge struggle at the moment and I’m basically “coasting,” I am more comfortable when things are hard and I’m forced to climb and claw my way to the top. WOW… there is nothing to be afraid of staring me in the face, and yet I had allowed myself to listen to this neurotic chatter about fear that was taking up valuable space in my head, for no reason. Am I really that afraid of coasting along, allowing things to happen, and enjoying the ride?

The answer is NO. I’m not afraid, and I am grateful for the wisdom that came from that descent. 

Thom begins the first chapter of his book with a quote by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: “There is only one freedom: the freedom from fear.”  Ask yourself this question – do you feel free from fear? Can you listen to your fear and determine if it’s a healthy warning or neurotic chatter?  What would you be doing in your life if you weren’t afraid?

At Southlake Counseling, we understand fear and how to listen to it. If you are troubled by fear and want to take the first step in your personal freedom from it, schedule an appointment with us today.

Be well,

Debbie



Published on Tuesday July 27, 2010 in Uncategorized and Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

The Power of Self-Respect

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Over the years, I have thought long and hard about why I “do what I do”. First, I fought through my own eight-year battle with an eating disorder, and the anxiety, depression, body image disturbance, and low self-esteem that came along for the ride. Next, I committed many years of my life to earning the professional education and clinical experience required to help others recover from their personal battles with mental illness and emotional disturbance.

As of today, I have eighteen years of  personal recovery history and almost two decades of professional clinical experience under my belt.  And today, I still feel just as passionate and committed to the work I do as I did on the day I first opened my practice.

Why?

For this one simple reason – I know that if I could heal, if I could overcome what held me back from saying YES to life, then I know that you can too!

As long as I have legs to stand, eyes to see, ears to listen, and hands to help, I will be honored and humbled each time I watch a new person walk into The Southlake Center with their head hung low, shoulders stooped, face dim, and heart heavy with hopelessness… because I know it is just a matter of time before I then get the privilege and joy of watching them walk OUT again with their head held high, shoulders squared confidently, face open to the joy of good days ahead, and heart light with hopefulness and excitement.

How do I know this will happen?

Because my own recovery journey has taught me about the power of self-respect.

Self-respect is only possible when we are able to look ourselves in our own eyes and say, “I am going to get through this, but I can’t do it alone. I need help, and I deserve help, and I will ask for the help I need so that one day I can turn around and help someone else who needs to know that they aren’t alone and that recovery is possible.”

Saying yes to getting the help you need is the first step to saying yes to your own self-respect. And saying yes to self-respect is the first step to saying YES to life!

Here at The Southlake Center, we celebrate the power of self-respect.

And we celebrate YOU.

Be Well.

Kimberly

Published on Monday October 19, 2009 in Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

5 Things to Consider When Creating a Chart System for Kids

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Children thrive on attention…. we all know the old adage, “negative attention is better than no attention at all.” Setting a Chore/Discipline chart is a great way to give your child the attention they crave, while creating clear expectations. To set a system may seem like a hassle to create, but it can be a time saver when the family gets the hang of it. Here are 5 tips to help you begin creating your system!

1. Know that there are a million good ways to create a system: Do not get caught up in creating a system that is perfect. Decide what skills your kids need to brush up on (ex. household chores, getting ready in the morning, getting ready for bed, personal hygiene, etc.) and focus your expectations on that. Make the system fluid so it can be adjusted easily at anytime.

2. To punish means to hurt and to discipline means to teach: The system you create is best received when the consequences match the broken rule, or lack of responsibility. For example, if a child is having a tough time being on time in the morning, then the child may not be responsible for a later bedtime, or if a child has not finished chores then extra outside time may not be possible.

3. Mom and Dad decide what chores will be included in the chart system, as well as what rewards or consequences will apply: Parents need to be seen as the head of the household when it comes to clear expectations, and this is achieved by parents being on the same page with what is included in the charting system. If parents are not living in the same home, it is recommended charting be followed in both homes if at all possible. This allows for clear expectations, which is comforting for children, as well as creating strength in your parenting. When the system has been completed have a family meeting to explain how the system works and expectations of the child/children.

Currency is what motivates people. When deciding on a reward for your system, use your child’s “currency” (ex. money, video games, computer time, staying up longer, time outside, cell phone, stickers, time with mom or dad, etc.) My advice is to use the least monetary reward possible while still motivating the child. When each chore is completed the child will earn points toward their reward. If a household rule is broken points can be taken as a consequence, and extra points can be earned for exceptional behavior, which is at the parent’s discretion. Rewards and points earned need to be suitable for the age.

4. Make your system visual: People learn in different ways, and one way to respond to different learning styles is making your system visual. This also provides accountability for the child when he/she documents on the chart when the chore is finished. There is a variety of ways to create your chart. Having kids involved in creating the chart is a way for the child to take ownership in the system. It is recommended for Mom and Dad to provide a template for kids to follow. Templates for charts can be found online, as well as interactive charting games. Put the chart somewhere so that all family members can refer to it.

5. Consistency: This is the number one rule for a successful charting system. People like to know what to expect, especially children. When we do not know what to expect our anxiety heightens, when anxiety heightens emotions heighten, and this is where behaviors can get us into trouble. Lack of consistency shows children that boundaries are not firm, and allows them to think that boundaries can be pushed.

Below I have listed sites that you may find helpful in creating a chore chart:

handipoints.com: In addition to powerful parenting tools for creating Chore, Behavior, and Study Charts, Handipoints features HandiLand, a safe virtual world where kids adopt their own cartoon cat. Great for kids from 5 to 13, Handipoints helps teach kids how to work and save for fun virtual rewards.

chorecharts.com: Developed to offer parents and kids cool, easy-to-download, thoughtfully designed chore charts. After looking around for chore charts, we came to conclude that the Web really didn’t have that much to offer.

chore-charts.net: This Fun & Effective Chore Chart Kit will help your Family Organize Household Chores. These Beautifully designed Chore Charts & Reusable Stickers are a must for Family Organization to help get the Chores done.

Megan Orr-Murphy, M.Ed, LPC

Published on Thursday October 1, 2009 in Article and Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: .

What are you waiting for?

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Things aren’t going well for you, and you don’t really understand why. Compared to other people, your life isn’t all that bad, so why do you often feel like you are trudging through your days carrying a weight on your back? Do you ever really feel satisfied with anything?

At times it can seem that we go through life struggling through the motions in an effort to make things better, trying to feel more happiness or satisfaction, only to find that nothing we do brings us much pleasure – at least on a consistent basis. Quite often, the problem is that we constantly search outside ourselves for our sources of happiness—our jobs, our relationships, our material possessions, our own accomplishments or our children’s, or any number of “addictions” such as alcohol, food, shopping, gambling, or exercise. Only when we learn that our true source of lasting satisfaction and happiness is within us can we truly experience peace and joy—no matter what is going on around us.

Sounds simple, but how do we access that inner source of contentment? Is there some “secret” formula that we can use to help us understand what will make us happy? The answer is that only when we truly spend time and effort getting to know ourselves can we discover what we need to be happy. We call this knowledge “self-awareness,” and it is an elusive concept for many of us who have spent our lives trying to please other people or mold ourselves into what we think they expect of us.

To become more self-aware, you may first need to examine some of the common barriers to this kind of growth to ensure that you are ready to begin thinking in a different way. Change can be both exciting and frightening, as it may require us to leave old patterns behind. Here are some obstacles that can hinder growth toward greater self-awareness:

Denial – It’s nearly impossible to change if you don’t think you need to. Listen to the quiet voice inside yourself and to what your loved ones are saying. Get the support you need to see the truth.

Seeing yourself as a victim – If you’re always blaming others for your situation, you can’t become the empowered person you are meant to be.

Substance abuse – Your problems won’t go away until you are willing to face them without relying on chemicals to escape or avoid.

Fear – Acknowledge the frightened parts of yourself, praise your courage to examine your fear, and be as gentle with yourself as you would a friend.

Rage – Extreme anger signals a need to pay attention to our triggers, but sometimes we get stuck there. Accepting what we can’t change and working toward creative expression of our feelings can give us freedom.

Busyness – Constantly moving is a distraction and allows no time for the reflection that lays the foundation for self-awareness.

Defensiveness – If we accept the reality that humans make mistakes and can stop being defensive about what we judge as “wrong,” an ever-expanding life awaits.

Debbie Parrott, MSW, P-LCSW
Southlake Counseling

Published on Thursday October 1, 2009 in Article and Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: .


Learn to Love Yourself the Just the Way You Are

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But I Want Yours!

“I wish my hair was curly like yours!”

“No way!!! I wish I had beautiful straight hair like yours!”

This conversation is almost universal. It seems that we all want what we don’t have—or perceive that we don’t have. Whether it be straight or curly hair, blonde or brunette, blue-eyed or brown-eyed, tall or short, full-figured or thin, everyone seems to want what someone else has.

The problem with this phenomenon is that it leads to a negative body image. Instead of seeing yourself as beautiful, you see yourself in a negative way. You focus on what you don’t have instead of what you do have. This kind of comparison to others always leaves you feeling badly about yourself.

Why Does It Matter?

Having a good body image is good for your health. When you feel good about your body, you can feel good in other areas of your life. It works the same way with a negative body image—a bad image leads to feeling bad in other areas of your life. In fact, a negative body image can lead to many different problems such as:

  • Emotional distress
  • Low self-esteem
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Eating disorders
  • And more

If you have a negative body image, you are not alone. And it is no wonder. Television commercials, print ads, movies, and even children’s toys bombard the population with the “perfect” body image—typically quite thin and young. These advertisements lead you to believe that if you aren’t the perfect shape, you will not find happiness, love, money, health, or enjoyment.

This message couldn’t be farther from the truth. You don’t need to have your body be a perfect shape—instead, you need to have a healthy body. And guess what? There is no perfect shape for health!

You don’t have to change your body to be happy. Instead, you simply need to change your mind!

Although this may take a bit of time and training, it is possible. And the outcome will be well worth the effort.

The first thing you need to do is realize that you have a unique body. There is not another one in the world that looks just like yours. Even if you are an identical twin, there will be some differences, no matter how small. Your unique body is your very own. No advertisement or friend or even family member can tell you what your body should be like. In the end, you only have to satisfy yourself. Yet still—this is no easy feat!

So the next step is to learn to stifle those negative thoughts. It is tempting at this point to try to come up with excuses for why this simply isn’t possible for you. If you catch yourself thinking in “Yes, but” terms, such as “Yes, but my unique body is too thin” or “Yes, but my unique body is too heavy” or “Yes, but those women in the advertisements really ARE beautiful” then you need to know that those “yes, buts” are bad news! They are nothing more than negative self-talk, and they will never get you to your goal of healthy body esteem.

Simple Steps for Increasing Positive Self-Talk

The only way to get rid of negative self talk is to replace it with positive self talk. Let’s learn how.

  1. First, become aware of what you are saying to yourself each day. How many “Yes, buts”? How many negative things? The best way to figure this out is to write down what you say to yourself for a few days.
  2. Now, take that list of negatives and write down a positive thought to replace the negative one. Be very specific. For example, if you said, “I hate the way I look. Everyone that sees me thinks I am ugly.” The positive could be something like, “I accept the way I look and focus on being the best me I can be.”
  3. Your list will now have what you say most often to yourself as well as new things to say instead. It is time to cross out the negatives! Use a dark marker and cross through each negative thought while reminding yourself that you are choosing to think different thoughts from this moment on.
  4. Read your positive statements several times every day. If you find that you have a negative thought in your head, simply tell yourself “STOP!” Then replace it with the positive thought you now have. If a new negative thought arises, write it down, come up with a positive and realistic thought to replace it, and then cross out the negative. Over time, the negative thoughts will happen less and less often and the positive thoughts will come to you effortlessly.

How you feel about yourself is something you CAN control. It is all up to you. Rather than see yourself through the eyes of a world overly-fixated on an artificial and narrow standard of body shape and size, see yourself through your own eyes and be happy with what you see. You can do it and you will be happy that you did.

Kimberly Krueger, MSW, LCSW is a therapist and the founder and director of Southlake Counseling and The Center for Self Discovery in Davidson, NC. Kimberly may be reached at kkrueger@centerforselfdiscovey.com. This article may be used but original content must be kept in tact and full credit must be given to author, including contact information.

Published on Monday September 28, 2009 in Article and Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: , , .