How to Banish Negative Thoughts

Who doesn’t have negative thoughts now and then? But what if you had a negative thought which was pervasive and constant? Would you know how to get rid of it? Fortunately, there are many methods available to get rid of incessant negative chatter in our heads.

Here is an effective step-by-step process that will work if you use it regularly. As our ongoing example in this process, we’ll use the negative thought, “I’m too dumb to do anything right.”

  1. Turn the thought into a mental image. Imagine looking and acting completely silly. Create the most exaggerated image of yourself you can. Start by envisioning yourself in ridiculous clothes that don’t match.
  • Maybe you’re also banging your head against the wall or doing other foolish things. You could also be shouting silly phrases that don’t make any sense. The image should be clearly visible on your mental screen. Include sounds, smells, and physical sensations as well. Keep at this until the original thought brings up this new image.
  1. Choose an alternative thought. For our example, a good replacement thought would be, “I’m so intelligent I can do anything.” Choose something that is the opposite of the original negative thought. Select a phrase that feels right to you, through your whole body.
  1. Turn the new, positive thought into a mental image. You might imagine yourself dressed like Albert Einstein, shouting, “I’m brilliant. I can do anything.” Again, make the image outrageous. Keep at it until the positive thought automatically brings up that image.
  1. Link the two images together. Now, imagine a way to get from your negative image to your positive image. This is almost like you’re the director of a movie; you want to find a way to connect the opening and the closing scenes.
  • Perhaps in the first scene, you could imagine the image of the “dumb” version of yourself being struck by lightning and catching on fire. Then the new, Albert Einstein version of you rises from the ashes and goes into his “I’m brilliant. I can do anything” routine.
  • Keep practicing until you run the entire scene in your mind quickly, with no hitches. This should take fewer than 2 seconds from start to finish.
  1. Test out your new mental connections. When you think the original negative thought, the entire scene should flash through your mind. Your mental process should end with the moment where you’re thinking, “I’m so brilliant. I can do anything.” If you’re not there yet, repeat Step 4 until you are. Although this may seem silly to you, this is a common mnemonic technique. The imagery must be outrageous. This makes your memory’s work much easier.

Also, play around with the perspective. Most people find it helpful to view everything in the third person, as if they were spectators watching themselves in a movie. But you may prefer imagining things from a first-person perspective, in which everything happens to you, as it would in everyday life. Try both perspectives to determine which works better for you.

If you systematically deal with all your negative thoughts, you’ll eventually find that you have very few left. Imagine how your life could change! What might you do that you’ve always been too afraid to try? Now you’ll have the courage to do just that. Powered by TCPDF (www.tcpdf.org)

Texting and Relationships: Good, Bad, or In Between?

Even in our closest relationships, we’re often likely to talk by text rather than face to face these days. A recent study of these short messages shows their impact on how we communicate with the people we care about most. Researchers at Brigham Young University surveyed couples in committed relationships. They discovered that some things are better off being discussed in person.

The major findings included men reporting less relationship satisfaction due to excessive texting. For women, dissatisfaction arose when text was used to apologize or manage complex relationship issues and differences.

The good news is that everyone liked sharing endearments by text. If you want your texts to reduce stress and bring you closer together with your loved ones, try these mobile communication tips.

Steps to Take with Your Loved Ones:

  1. Be gentle. It can be tempting to say things by text that you would soften if you were talking to someone in the same room. Imagine how you would feel if you were on the receiving end.
  1. Address conflicts directly. Using text to avoid an argument tends to backfire. Discussing sensitive issues works better when you can see each other and respond accordingly. If your partner already looks remorseful about forgetting your anniversary, you’ll know it’s time to drop the subject.
  1. Apologize in person. Asking for forgiveness becomes more meaningful when you make a personal appearance. You’ll also be in a better position to prevent any further misunderstandings.
  1. Listen to each other. Give each other your full attention. Watch for facial expressions, body language and other non-verbal cues.
  1. Put your phone away. Except for emergencies, set your phone aside when you have company. Focus on the people around you.
  1. Ask for a recess. It’s easy for a conversation to escalate when you’re texting back and forth. If things are getting too heated, suggest tabling the subject until you can get together later.

Steps to Take Yourself:

  1. Count your texts. Other studies suggest that frequent texting causes stress. Try to limit yourself to 50 texts or fewer each day.
  1. Set a curfew. Late night texting can interfere with your rest and peace of mind. Plus, the lighted screen makes it harder for you to fall asleep.
  1. Slow down. Many people feel pressured to reply immediately to every message. Give yourself time to think before writing back. Schedule a few times a day to check messages instead of constantly having one eye on your phone.
  1. Clarify your language. Text is better suited to simple updates like what time to meet up for lunch. If you need to talk about something more complex, read it over to check for any wording that could cause confusion.
  1. Express your love. Everyone is a winner when you share your affection. The BYU study found that the people sending loving messages reported being even happier than the partner who received them.
  1. Send a letter. When you have something special to say, an old fashioned letter may spread more joy than any text. Surprise your parents with a greeting card or slip a love note into your spouse’s pocket.
  1. Hit delete. Holding onto electronic messages from your insurance company may come in handy in a dispute. When you’re texting with your loved ones, it’s better to let go of resentments than to archive them.

Overall, texting is great when you want to say something nice to each other. On the other hand, wait until you’re face to face to talk about the serious stuff. Look at texting as a supplement to talking rather than a replacement.

How to Become More Compassionate

Compassion brings both short and long-term happiness. Showing compassion not only
allows you to feel better, but it helps those around you to feel better, too. Since we all
want to be happy, showing compassion can be a common goal for everyone.
Cultivating compassion is a worthwhile goal. It’s a significant part of being human
and can make you more grateful for the many good things you already have in your
life.

How can we be more compassionate?

1. Have good intentions. Each day, simply have the intention of being
compassionate and showing compassion to everyone you encounter. Make it a
part of your morning ritual to remind yourself to be compassionate.

Before you go to sleep at night, reflect on how you were compassionate or
failed to show compassion that day. Remind yourself again to be
compassionate the next day.

2. Focus on the similarities you share with others. Human brains are great at
spotting differences. However, we have to make a conscious effort to spot the
similarities.

When you find yourself feeling less than happy with someone, try to list as
many things as you can that you share in common.

Remember that all humans are similar in the ways that matter. For
example, we all need love, attention, happiness, affection, food, and
shelter.

3. Be empathetic. With everything happening in our lives, it’s easy to focus on
ourselves and ignore the plight of others. Consider the similarities that others
share with your loved ones. Now imagine your loved one is suffering.

If you can see another person as being similar to your loved one, it will
become easy to be sensitive to their suffering.

Keep in mind that another person is someone else’s loved one.
How would you want your loved one to be treated during a challenging
time?

4. Be compassionate with yourself. You might have noticed that the least
compassionate people are those that are the hardest on themselves. If you
won’t give yourself a break when you need it, you’re less likely to do it for
someone else.

Appreciate yourself and the challenges that you’ve experienced in your
own life. You’ll become more capable of doing the same for others, too.
Recognize that time you spend on yourself is time well spent. Refrain from
viewing it as an act of selfishness. You’re just as important as anyone else.
Let go of needing to be perfect. Nobody’s perfect, so it’s a game that can’t
be won. If you’ll stop demanding perfection of yourself, you’ll stop requiring
others to be perfect, too.

5. Be fully present with others. The ultimate kindness is to be 100% present with
someone. It’s also a great time to practice being mindful. Be supportive and a
good listener without thinking any stray thoughts.

It’s not always easy to stay in the moment when someone is hurting, but
you’ll be a better person for it.

6. Remember the times that others have been kind to you. Perhaps you can do
the same favor for someone else.

7. Remember the times that others have been unkind to you. Perhaps you can
spare someone else from feeling the same pain.

Being compassionate is really a gift you give to yourself. When you’re kinder to others,
you learn to be kinder to yourself. You also encourage others to take an interest in
your life and to direct compassion back in your direction.

How To Ask For What You Want…And Get It…

If you are like many of the clients I work with in my 1:1 coaching sessions, asking for what you want is a challenge and often right up there on your list with going to the dentist.  In other words, you know you really need to…you just don’t WANT to. 
 
Well, here are seven sure fire action steps you can take that will make it easier to ask for what you want AND get it.
 
A quick way to remember these skills is by using the acronym DEAR MAN. 
It stands for:
 
 Describe
 Express
 Assert
 Reinforce
 
 Mindful (stay mindful)
 Appear Confident
 Negotiate
 
To make this more clear, let’s go through each skill one-by-one.
 
Describe
Describe the current situation (if necessary).  It’s important to stick to facts, of course, but you need to tell the person exactly what you need and what you’re reacting to.
 
Express
Express ‘your FEELINGS and OPINIONS about the situation.  It’s important you don’t assume that your feelings and opinions are already clear.  Use phrases such as “I want” or “I don’t want” instead of phrases like “I need” or “you should” or “I can’t.”
 
Assert
Assert yourself by ASKING for what you want or SAYING NO clearly.  It’s crucial that you don’t assume people can read your mind.  Assume that others will not figure it out unless you clearly ask.  And, don’t expect others to know how hard it is for you to ask directly for what you want.
 
Reinforce
Reinforce or reward the person ahead of time by explaining CONSEQUENCES.  Tell the person the positive effects of getting what you want or need. Tell him or her (if necessary) the negative effects of your not getting it. Help the person feel good ahead of time for doing or accepting what you want. Reward him or her afterwards.
 
Mindful (stay mindful)
Keep your focus ON YOUR OBJECTIVES. 
Maintain your position and don’t be distracted.
 
You may have to employ the “broken record” concept of repeatedly asking, saying no, or expressing your opinion over and over. 
 
You may also have to ignore the other person if they attack, threaten you, or attempt to change the subject, ignore facts, or try to divert you.  Ignore distractions and just keep making your point.
 
Appear Confident
Appear effective and competent.  Use a confident voice tone and physical manner.  Make good eye contact. Don’t stammer, whisper, stare at the floor, retreat, or say things like “I’m not sure;’ etc.
 
Negotiate
Be willing to “GIVE TO GET.” 
This can take many forms, and books have been written on this topic alone. 
 
However, here are some concepts and strategies you can employ.

  • You can offer or ask for alternate solutions to the problem.
  • You can reduce your request.
  • You can maintain a position of “no” but offer to do something else or solve the problem another way.
  • You can turn the tables by turning the problem over to the other person.  For example, try phrases like “what do you think we should do?” or “I’m not able to say yes, and you seem to really want me to, so what can we do here” or “how can we solve this problem?”

So, in conclusion, if you keep the acronym “DEAR MAN” in mind, you will be more likely to get what you want when you ask for it. 


To help you remember this technique, we created a freebie.  Simply enter your name and email to the right.

5 Tips To Help You Create a More Loving and Happier Family Life

What does it take to have a more loving family dynamic?

  1. 140207-family-group2Focus more on what everyone does right. Instead of focusing on what displeases you, focus more on what you love. Your spouse and children love praise more than they love criticism. So, start looking for all the things that make you happy and focus on the positive. You might even get more of it.
    hhh
  2. Practice forgiveness. We all argue and have disagreements. We all have bad days and can irritate each other. The key is to ask for forgiveness and easily forgive our family members when they hurt our feelings. Holding grudges will steal your joy and happiness. Conflict is a part of life and we learn to forgive quickly if we practice forgiveness.
    hhh
  3. Hug several times a day. Make hugging a big part of your family routine. Hug when you wake up, before you leave the house, when you come home and before you go to bed. Hugging is shown to reduce stress and actually make you happier. So, make hugging a big part of your daily routine even if you have teenagers.
    hhh
  4. Connect and schedule quality time. Most of us are very busy and have a lot of responsibilities. It’s not always the amount of time we spend with our loved ones, but it’s the quality. Most of us are physically with our family, but we are not ‘really’ with our family. The key is to give your undivided attention to your family when you are with them. This makes them feel important and that is what most of us want to feel…IMPORTANT.
    hhh
  5. Find ways to LAUGH together. The family that laughs together stays together. Find ways to loosen up and have fun. Each day find ways to connect and laugh over funny stories from the day, a joke, a little goofy or silly time or even watching a funny comedy together. Laughter is still the best medicine and can do wonders for creating a loving and happier family.
Today life can feel so overwhelming and sometimes we just have to take a step back and remember what is most important.

Your Weekly Meditation: Emotions Are Friendly Messengers

Emotions are friendly messengers.

In the same way that you might feel overwhelmed by the sight of a tidal wave coming toward you, you may find yourself feeling overwhelmed by the experience of your own intense emotions welling up within you – or the strong emotions of others headed in your direction. Emotions are not the enemy. They also do not necessarily belong to you. Sometimes you may be tuning in to the elevated emotions of peers, supervisors, or loved ones. Other times the emotions may belong to you, but their intensity may relate not just to one specific situation, but to one or more unresolved experiences you have had over time. In any case, emotions are not your enemy. They are friendly messengers letting you know that your own attention is needed.

This week I resolve to: Welcome whatever emotions may come – and become willing to examine each in their turn, accepting and processing the ones that belong to me, and returning the ones that don’t, back to their rightful owners.

 

Your Weekly Meditation: It is Okay To Feel Afraid

It is okay to feel afraid.

We often expect ourselves to leap towards every new goal or undone item on our to-do list with confident enthusiasm. But how often have we actually ever made any kind of change or progress while feeling this way? Most of the time, for most human beings, we feel some fear, some trepidation, some inner dissension, some reluctance, or some resistance to trying something new.  To expect any more of ourselves is both unrealistic and unkind, and to refuse ourselves the right to take action until our feelings improves is even more so.

This week I resolve to: Accept that feeling fear or resistance is a normal human response to taking on new challenges, and encourage myself when I notice my fear and refuse to let it stop me from moving forward.

Weekly Meditation: Emotions Are Always a Sign That I Need My Own Attention

Emotions are always a sign that I need my own attention.

We may think we want more attention from our spouse, more recognition at work, more visibility in our community, or more attention from our families. But what we always and ultimately are craving as we project these desires outward is our own attention. When we get too far away from ourselves, our own emotions let us know when and how to find our way back. Like a flesh wound that signals a need for care, emotions like sadness, fear, rage, joy, and peace, beg us to return home to share the experience, learn, and grow with ourselves.

This week I resolve to: notice my emotions and return home to myself to experience them with myself, learn, and grow.

I Don’t Need Others to Change to Be Happy

It is a very painful place to live – on the edge of our seats, chair’s edge cutting into our legs, holding our breath as we watch those around us to see if they are going to change in the way we think we need them to change in order for us to be happy. Today, we can begin to perceive that it is not others who need to change, but we ourselves. Today, we can begin to ask ourselves, “Is it true that I need so-and-so to do such-and-such in order to experience happiness? Is that really true?”

This week I resolve to: challenge my assumptions that I need others to change in order for me to be happy, and ask myself how I can find happiness in each moment even if others stay exactly as they are.

Fear and My Bicycle

When I was a little girl, I suffered a fairly serious foot injury as a result of a bicycle accident at the bottom of my grandparents’ driveway. Fortunately, I healed and have no permanent damage except for a nasty scar, but I spent that entire summer having to soak my foot several times a day. I was miserable being stuck inside with a gaping hole in my foot, and feeling left out that my friends were outside playing or swimming at the pool. So for the next few years, I avoided a bicycle out of fear that it would take me out of commission from everything else that I enjoyed.

As I have gotten older, I have developed a huge fondness for cycling, and my bicycle has actually taught me a lot about fear. For instance, while I was on a recent bike ride, it started to rain. I wasn’t yet that far from home, but worrying about the sudden thunderstorms of summer, I decided to turn back and change my route to circle my neighborhood in case the weather deteriorated. While I was riding, I started to think about how this pattern reflects many other areas of my life. When something slightly different or threatening starts to happen, I often become afraid that something much worse will follow, and sometimes I even change my course to not stray too far from what is familiar and safe. How sad is it when I allow my fear of what might happen dictate my ability to leave my comfort zone? And even sadder, what am I missing by worrying that a storm may come, when a good thunderstorm can actually be fun?

In Thom Rutledge’s book Embracing Fear, he proposes that fear is healthy when it is the rational kind and is warning us of some real and imminent danger, yet unhealthy when it is neurotic and based on the past or our imagination. Healthy fear is quiet unless there is something actually threatening our safety, then it is very clear about what we are to do. Unhealthy fear is that constant chatter in our heads warning us about what could happen, even though we may have no evidence to prove it ever will, and it certainly isn’t at the moment.

Back to my bike. Healthy fear was engaged a few weeks ago when a deer ran out in front of me on a bike ride, and I had to make a snap decision whether to go right, go left, or try to stop. The fear was very clear in its message – watch what the deer does, and do the opposite. Unhealthy fear would be in play if I never rode my bike on that road again, because I was afraid a deer might run out in front of me. I have, and it hasn’t. And besides that, if I handled the situation the first time, I certainly could if it happened again. 

So today I went on a ride, and was listening to that neurotic fear chatting away in my head about a totally different situation in my life. “What if … You better not … You know what’s going to happen if …”  You get the picture.

As is fairly common on my bike rides, I had an epiphany as I started to descend a hill over a section of broken pavement. How much scarier is it for me to go fast down this hill, than it was to climb it about an hour ago?  Translation: Even though nothing in my life is a huge struggle at the moment and I’m basically “coasting,” I am more comfortable when things are hard and I’m forced to climb and claw my way to the top. WOW… there is nothing to be afraid of staring me in the face, and yet I had allowed myself to listen to this neurotic chatter about fear that was taking up valuable space in my head, for no reason. Am I really that afraid of coasting along, allowing things to happen, and enjoying the ride?

The answer is NO. I’m not afraid, and I am grateful for the wisdom that came from that descent. 

Thom begins the first chapter of his book with a quote by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: “There is only one freedom: the freedom from fear.”  Ask yourself this question – do you feel free from fear? Can you listen to your fear and determine if it’s a healthy warning or neurotic chatter?  What would you be doing in your life if you weren’t afraid?

At Southlake Counseling, we understand fear and how to listen to it. If you are troubled by fear and want to take the first step in your personal freedom from it, schedule an appointment with us today.

Be well,

Debbie