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Fear and My Bicycle

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When I was a little girl, I suffered a fairly serious foot injury as a result of a bicycle accident at the bottom of my grandparents’ driveway. Fortunately, I healed and have no permanent damage except for a nasty scar, but I spent that entire summer having to soak my foot several times a day. I was miserable being stuck inside with a gaping hole in my foot, and feeling left out that my friends were outside playing or swimming at the pool. So for the next few years, I avoided a bicycle out of fear that it would take me out of commission from everything else that I enjoyed.

As I have gotten older, I have developed a huge fondness for cycling, and my bicycle has actually taught me a lot about fear. For instance, while I was on a recent bike ride, it started to rain. I wasn’t yet that far from home, but worrying about the sudden thunderstorms of summer, I decided to turn back and change my route to circle my neighborhood in case the weather deteriorated. While I was riding, I started to think about how this pattern reflects many other areas of my life. When something slightly different or threatening starts to happen, I often become afraid that something much worse will follow, and sometimes I even change my course to not stray too far from what is familiar and safe. How sad is it when I allow my fear of what might happen dictate my ability to leave my comfort zone? And even sadder, what am I missing by worrying that a storm may come, when a good thunderstorm can actually be fun?

In Thom Rutledge’s book Embracing Fear, he proposes that fear is healthy when it is the rational kind and is warning us of some real and imminent danger, yet unhealthy when it is neurotic and based on the past or our imagination. Healthy fear is quiet unless there is something actually threatening our safety, then it is very clear about what we are to do. Unhealthy fear is that constant chatter in our heads warning us about what could happen, even though we may have no evidence to prove it ever will, and it certainly isn’t at the moment.

Back to my bike. Healthy fear was engaged a few weeks ago when a deer ran out in front of me on a bike ride, and I had to make a snap decision whether to go right, go left, or try to stop. The fear was very clear in its message – watch what the deer does, and do the opposite. Unhealthy fear would be in play if I never rode my bike on that road again, because I was afraid a deer might run out in front of me. I have, and it hasn’t. And besides that, if I handled the situation the first time, I certainly could if it happened again. 

So today I went on a ride, and was listening to that neurotic fear chatting away in my head about a totally different situation in my life. “What if … You better not … You know what’s going to happen if …”  You get the picture.

As is fairly common on my bike rides, I had an epiphany as I started to descend a hill over a section of broken pavement. How much scarier is it for me to go fast down this hill, than it was to climb it about an hour ago?  Translation: Even though nothing in my life is a huge struggle at the moment and I’m basically “coasting,” I am more comfortable when things are hard and I’m forced to climb and claw my way to the top. WOW… there is nothing to be afraid of staring me in the face, and yet I had allowed myself to listen to this neurotic chatter about fear that was taking up valuable space in my head, for no reason. Am I really that afraid of coasting along, allowing things to happen, and enjoying the ride?

The answer is NO. I’m not afraid, and I am grateful for the wisdom that came from that descent. 

Thom begins the first chapter of his book with a quote by Oriah Mountain Dreamer: “There is only one freedom: the freedom from fear.”  Ask yourself this question – do you feel free from fear? Can you listen to your fear and determine if it’s a healthy warning or neurotic chatter?  What would you be doing in your life if you weren’t afraid?

At Southlake Counseling, we understand fear and how to listen to it. If you are troubled by fear and want to take the first step in your personal freedom from it, schedule an appointment with us today.

Be well,

Debbie



Published on Tuesday July 27, 2010 in Uncategorized and Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Your “Say Yes to Life” Monday Motivator: The Price of Beauty

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When you think of the word “beauty,” what….and who….comes to your mind? How comfortable do you feel applying the word “beautiful” to a new blossom, a piece of art, the ocean – or yourself?

When I went to the dictionary to look up classical definitions, I was surprised by what I found – and then I felt surprised that I was surprised! One popular definition stated that “beauty is the quality that gives pleasure to the mind and senses.” Another lesser-known definition that I liked stated that “beauty is anything that resonates with personal meaning.”

When contemplating these definitions, it becomes difficult to wrap either mind or senses around the reasons why finding, feeling, and expressing our awareness of our own beauty often feels so impossible. However, the culture that surrounds us has a powerful impact on us even when we don’t realize it, and that culture seems to have a very different definition of beauty – one that says that “beauty is whatever we can sell you to break down and then build back up your fragile self-esteem.”

No one knows this better than Jessica Simpson, the hostess for a timely new well-intentioned show named “The Price of Beauty.”  The petite blonde singer-turned-actress-turned hostess has had her share of the appearance-related limelight, and sometimes with emotionally devastating results. The opening previews for “The Price of Beauty” shows one clip of Simpson breaking down into tears, and then laying down on stage, right in the middle of one of her concerts.

Interestingly, despite a widespread media-fostered viewpoint that Simpson’s brains went fishing and got lost at sea along with the chicken, er, tuna, she enjoys for lunch, she has stubbornly refused to stay silent on the subject of a woman’s right to feel beautiful regardless of others’ opinions. In fact, Simpson speaks frequently during episodes of “The Price of Beauty” about the pressure and scrutiny she has endured around every aspect of her appearance and the inner strength she has had to cultivate in order to hold her self-esteem intact. In fact, her song “In This Skin,” written in direct response to record company executives who encouraged her to continue to lose weight even when she weighed in at a size zero, she sings that she wants – and has the right to – feel worthy to feel beautiful in her own skin.

“The Price of Beauty” is not going to turn Simpson into a blonde Gandhi by any stretch of the imagination, as she and her two cohorts go gallivanting through the spas of India, Thailand, and Paris, hobnobbing with the highest echelons of fashionable society and occasionally spending a few moments plugging Simpson’s favorite charity, Operation Smile, or eating disorder awareness. But this is media after all, largely controlled by the moguls who make money by hawking low self-esteem and body hatred on every street corner.

This is also exactly why any attempt, no matter how minor, to give real women with real bodies and real choices a voice and a chance to feel beautiful must be watched and celebrated and supported. Over and over Simpson and her friends ask women in each country they visit, “what does beauty mean to you?” In India, she is told that beauty is laughter and honesty and living your life. In Paris she is told that beauty is “joie de vivre” – the joy of living. She shares with viewers that she is struck by how beautiful confidence is, and how inspired and grateful she feels when she meets a woman who exhibits the willingness to confront media-generated low self-esteem with direct action…like when the 5’4” Simpson decides to strut her stuff alongside the supermodels on a Parisian runway…..

…..or host a show like “The Price of Beauty.”

In her song “In This Skin,” Simpson sings, “they see me in a magazine -I’m the one they want to be – Still don’t feel I’m good enough – still don’t feel I’m thin enough – I stand up and I’m pushed back down – and every opinion now – It makes me feel inhuman – givin’ in and givin’ up.”*  But far from giving in or giving up, Simpson has once again found a way to push back against those who keep trying to push her and all of us into ever smaller, thinner boxes. With “The Price of Beauty,” however subtly, Simpson is forging ahead in her quest to feel beautiful in her own skin, and offering us the opportunity and the encouragement to do the same.

At Southlake Counseling, our transformative and empowering “Say Yes to Life” wellness program offers you the opportunity to experience your own radiant inside-out beauty through achieving balanced wellness in body, mind, heart, and spirit. In choosing what does not work for us to bring pleasure to mind or senses, we are then free to explore what does allow us to experience personal, vibrant, and radiant meaning and joy within ourselves, in our relationships, and throughout our lives. To learn more about how you can take charge of your own experience of health and beauty in your life, visit us today at www.southlakecounseling.com.

Be Well,

Kimberly

* “In This Skin”, Lyrics & Music by Jessica Simpson, Album “In This Skin”, © 2003

Published on Monday April 12, 2010 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

Are You Worried About Your Daughter?

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Adolescence is a tumultuous time, in which rapid physical, emotional and mental changes occur, along with profound environmental transitions. Over the past decade, parents, teachers and therapists have become increasingly concerned with the effects of this period of development, and particularly with how adolescent girls are managing this critical time. Research has shown that adolescent girls are twice as likely as boys to suffer from depression, and the causes contributing to the prevalence of this problem are varied. Society pressures, combined with their desire or need for the approval of others, makes these girls overly sensitive to signals from other people that confirm or deny their feelings and behaviors as appropriate. Unfortunately, our society may be guilty of socializing young girls into depression proneness.

Friendship attachment has been proven a strong predictor of healthy mental development in adolescent females, and girls with lower levels of friendship experience higher levels of anxiety and depression, and exhibit less effective coping skills. Another study indicates that girls cite disconnection from important people in their lives, including peers and family members, as a major factor in causing depression.

The 2005 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance survey, conducted by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, reveals some troubling facts about adolescent girls in the United States. According to the data collected from almost 7,000 high school age girls, 37% of them reported having felt sad or hopeless to the point that they ceased their usual activities for two or more weeks during the year preceding the survey, and almost 22% of them had seriously considered attempting suicide. The incidence of depression in adolescent girls is prevalent at a serious level and can lead to a wide range of social, physical and mental problems. Mary Pipher in her bestselling book Reviving Ophelia points out that depression in adolescent girls ranges in degree from ordinary adolescent misery to the extreme of severe clinical depression, but that given the impulsivity of this age group, any degree of adolescent depression should be taken seriously.

Research on the effects of socio-evaluative concerns theorizes that girls experience depression at higher rates than boys, because they are more concerned with what their peers think of them. Although there are benefits to the importance that girls place on interpersonal relationships and the support that they provide, there are also negative consequences when an adolescent girl worries incessantly about concerns such as her appearance and being accepted by her peers. Adolescent girls cite feelings of loneliness and lack of support as contributors to a purposeful withdrawal from social interaction, leading to depression.

As a concerned parent of an adolescent girl, what can you do? First, pay attention to your daughter. Get to know her friends, be supportive of healthy friendships, and acknowledge her dreams as well as her fears. In order to keep their true selves and grow into healthy adults, girls need support and acceptance from both family and friends, meaningful goals, and respect, as well as physical and psychological safety. They need identities based on talents or interests rather than appearance, popularity, or sexuality. They need good habits for coping with stress, skills for self-nurturing, and a sense of purpose and perspective.  They need quiet places and quiet times, and they need to feel a part of something larger than their own lives.

Secondly, allow your daughter enough freedom to make some of her own choices, with clear and consistent consequences. Girls need homes that offer both protection and challenges.  Inside that home, they need both affection and structure.  The best message for teenage girls is “I love you, and I have expectations.” Ask your daughter questions that encourage her to think clearly for herself.  Listen for what you can respect and praise in what your daughter says, and whenever possible, congratulate her on her maturity, insight, or good judgment.  In other words, “Catch her doing good.”

At Southlake Counseling, we offer individual, family and group therapy services for adolescent girls and their families. If you are concerned about your daughter’s well-being, schedule a confidential assessment and allow us the opportunity to provide the guidance and support that she may need to thrive during this difficult phase of her development.

Be Well,

Debbie

Debbie Parrott, MSW, P-LCSW
Southlake Counseling

Published on Sunday January 31, 2010 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Surviving the Holidays

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Like it or not, ready or not, once again they are coming. Before we’ve even processed Labor Day, we see the decorations going up for Halloween. Halloween is not even over and already there are stuffed turkeys and pilgrim hats lining the shelves. And about a week before Thanksgiving we find ourselves getting confused about which holiday to prepare for because everywhere we look, we see nothing but mistletoe and fake icicles and Santa Claus.

Sometimes it seems like the media and corporate America get more excited about the holidays than we do….because we are too busy managing the anxiety and stress caused by non-stop pressures to buy more than we can afford, see people we don’t like or don’t know (or both), and eat foods we would never otherwise consider consuming just to be accommodating to great aunt Lucy who has been cooking her signature pumpkin pie-flavored raisin fruitcake since the early 1900’s…..

But this year, the holidays can be different. Each holiday season is like a milestone in our lives, when we can look back on where we were and what worked (and what didn’t) the year before and celebrate how much we’ve learned and grown in the twelve months in between.

This is why the best way to tackle the holidays this year is to examine what worked and what didn’t last year and make adjustments from there. So here are some questions to contemplate and journal about that can help make the holidays feel less like an onslaught and more like a celebration:

Where did you struggle the most during last year’s holiday gatherings (dinner table, family interactions, isolating to avoid conflict, whatever it is)?

What ideas do you have to prepare in advance for how to navigate similar challenging moments that may reoccur this year?

What kind of support did you need last year that you didn’t have that could have made a difference?

Do you have a strong support team (professional and loved ones) going into this holiday season?

If not, what can you do now – today – to add supportive others to your team?

At Southlake Counseling, we know how it feels to watch the holidays rushing headlong at us, delighting our eating disorder/anxiety/depression and terrifying us. We also know that what is great about the holidays is that they force us to take action – NOW – to protect and care for ourselves.

If you need help and support as the holiday season approaches, we invite you to contact us today. We are looking forward to partnering with you to find ways you can say “no” to holiday stress and “yes” to a celebration of love, gratitude, and life!

Be Well,

Kimberly

Published on Wednesday November 18, 2009 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments Tags: , .

Going Through a Divorce? What Parents Can Do to Help Their Children NOW!

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A parents’ divorce or separation can be very difficult for a child.  The child may be confused, scared, angry, or sad, and be unable to express how he or she feels or have difficulty talking about what is going on.  This can manifest in many different ways, including problems at school or with friends, feelings of anxiety or sadness, difficulty concentrating or focusing, or physical illness such as headaches.

Children may feel as though they are alone, and that no one else has ever gone through something like this.  They may feel torn between their parents, and worry about the future.  Children could hold fantasies that their parents may reconcile, but many times, this desire does not come true.

What can you, as a parent, do to help your child?

In experiences like these, parents may feel over-whelmed and unsure of how they can best help their child through the transition of divorce or separation.  A step that is beneficial is meeting with a child and family therapist.  Working together, the therapist and the parents can develop a therapeutic plan that aims to help the child in a developmentally-appropriate and kid-friendly way.  A therapeutic plan could incorporate different types of therapy, including play therapy techniques, peer-group sessions, or some traditional talk-therapy, depending on the child’s age and comfort level.

The therapist can also work with the entire family, and collaboratively, develop ways to make the adjustment to co-parenting smoother.  As the transition through divorce can bring many changes, strategies and techniques can be discussed that help the family re-define the rules and responsibilities to better meet the most recent needs of each person.

A compliment to child and family therapy is joining a peer-support group for children.  Groups like these explore age-appropriate activities designed to increase positive coping skills in a fun and encouraging environment.  It’s a great way for child to learn that they are not alone in what they are going through, while also gaining knowledge of child-friendly methods and techniques that they can integrate into different aspects of their lives.  A sense of camaraderie and accomplishment is encouraged, and children work through their issues in their own way, while making friends and having fun.

How can therapy help you and your child?

In my work with child and family clients, I feel it is important to create a safe and engaging therapeutic environment where each family member is able to express themselves and work together to develop solutions to problematic issues.  Using play therapy techniques, children can create artwork or engage in various activities that give them a way to explore what’s going on in their family and the emotions that go along with it, but in a way that is comfortable and friendly to them.  During family therapy sessions, family members can talk together about problems in a secure setting, with myself as an advocate to help navigate this transition.

In the peer-support group Shining Stars, myself, along with Mike Tanis, LPC, LMFT, will lead a group full of fun and child-friendly activities designed to encourage children in the development of coping skills and collaboration of age-appropriate techniques to deal with issues relating to divorce or separation.

Additional Resources for Parents and Children

  • For children ages 4-8, a book called “Two Homes” by Clare Masurel is an excellent resource to talk to younger children about divorce and separation.  In this picture book, the main character of the story discusses how he has two of everything, houses, rooms, etc., but both of his parents love him very much.
  • For children ages 9-12, parents may be interested in the book “What in the World Do You Do When Your Parents Divorce? A Survival Guide for Kids” by Kent Winchester, J.D. and Roberta Beyer, J.D.
  • A book for adolescents, “The Divorce Helpbook for Teens” by Cynthia MacGregor is a wonderful resource for teens and families going through a divorce transition.
  • For parents, a book called “The Good Divorce” by Constance Ahrons can be beneficial.  Common issues such as co-parenting are discussed and the author’s own life experiences are inter-woven throughout.

Carina Wise, MFTA is a marriage and family therapist who specializes in working with children and families, many of whom are traveling through a divorce transition.  To learn more, contact Carina at Southlake Counseling (704) 896-7776

Published on Thursday November 12, 2009 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments Tags: , , .