Monthly Archive for November, 2010

Your Say Yes to Life Monday Motivator: The Help We Need…and the Help We Don’t

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This month, we have been discussing the process of asking for help. So far, we have broken this process down into three discrete events – noticing when we need help, asking for the help we need, and accepting that help when it arrives.

The fourth and final facet of asking for help comes as we learn to discern the help we need from the help we don’t. So in this final blog post in our “asking for help” series, we will examine what to do with offers for help we don’t need.

Imagine for a moment that you’ve been lost in the desert. You have been wandering around, looking for water. Everywhere you look, what appears to be a water source turns into yet another mirage. Finally, after days of wandering, you at last see a source of genuine water up ahead. You walk closer, closer, you break into run…..only to pull yourself up short when you realize….it’s the ocean.

You’ve found water, just not the right kind.

Accepting offers of help we don’t need is like drinking salty ocean water to quench our thirst. It is not only unproductive – it can be downright dangerous as well.

Furthermore, it is disrespectful to ourselves, because if we have made it this far in this blog series, we have earned our “asking for help” stripes, and we know when we need help and when we don’t, and what we need it for. We may even be starting to get comfortable with accepting help when it arrives.

But what do we do with help we simply don’t need? And why might we accept help we don’t need?

Let’s take an example. Let’s say that last weekend you had your pre-wedding shower. This afternoon, your soon-to-be mother-in-law with the illegible handwriting offers to help you write your wedding shower thank you notes….and you don’t know how to respond. On the one hand, you don’t want to do anything to damage a new family connection that will be in your life for years to come. Yet this will double your workload, and with all you still have to do to prepare for the wedding, you can already visualize yourself spending precious free time surreptitiously re-writing dozens of thank you cards and sneaking out to the mail box to pop them in when your mother-in-law-to-be isn’t looking.

So what should you do?

You could certainly graciously decline her offer, and explain that you already have everything well in hand. But the truth is, you don’t. You do need help in plenty of other areas as you prepare for your upcoming wedding – yet clearly the task she has volunteered to help you with is not the right task for her. So how about finding something else – some other way that your new mother-in-law could be of service?

One strategy you could try follows a simple four step approach I have often suggested to clients over the years:

  1. Thank the offering individual sincerely for their offer of help
  2. Let them know you will think about it, and get back with them
  3. In the meantime (or on the spot if something comes to mind right away) decide if there is something they could do that would truly help you, and if so, let them know what it is and ask if they would be willing to offer that help instead
  4. If the answer to number three above is a simple “no”, communicate that to them with gratitude and let them know you will surely contact them if you need help with that task or others in the future.

As we learn and practice new skills for how to identify and accept the help we do need, and how to graciously redirect or decline the help we do not need, we can begin to feel truly empowered in our relationships with ourselves and others.

At Southlake Counseling, we offer a wealth of personalized individual and group support services to help individuals just like you learn to access the courage and power to navigate your need for help self-supportively and effectively. If you are struggling to say no and yes to offers of help in self-respecting, empowering ways, we encourage you to contact us at www.southlakecounseling.com.

Be Well,

Kimberly


Published on Monday November 15, 2010 in Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Your Say Yes to Life Monday Motivator: How to Accept Help

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In the first two blog posts in our “asking for help” series this month, we discussed how we can re-activate our felt sense of needing help, and from there learn skills to ask for the help we need.

In this third post in our series, we will discuss the actual process of how we can get comfortable with accepting help when it is offered.

We may have allowed ourselves to get so wrapped up in our awareness of not being able to ask for help, or our belief that nobody around us is willing to offer help, that we have failed to recognize that we don’t feel comfortable accepting help.

Chances are, that is just because we have long since fallen out of practice.

But regardless of the reason, if we feel uncomfortable with accepting help, we may get all the way through the process of rekindling our awareness of when we need help, learning how to effectively ask for help, and then still not be able to actually accept the help we need when it is offered!

In my experience working with individuals who want to relearn how to ask for and accept help, this final phase is actually where many of us struggle the most.

As we make our way through today’s do-it-yourself culture, for many of us it truly is uncomfortable to allow ourselves to receive help! It doesn’t feel right, or normal, or natural, or comfortable – and women in particular may worry all the way through the process about imposing too much, asking too much, or being beholden to “return the favor,”  in the process adding so much extra work to our own plate that asking for help really does start to become as unproductive as we feared it would be!

So we have to start now – before we even ask for the help we need – to get comfortable with receiving it once it arrives.

We can do this in a number of ways. I have often found that visualization seems to work well as a tool to prepare ourselves for accepting help. It seems that when we feel prepared for the outcome of our actions, we are more ready to accept the end result when it arrives. So if we can visualize ourselves accepting help before it even arrives, we are more likely to recognize ourselves in that role when we are actually standing in the receiver’s shoes, and more likely to favorably experience what it feels like to accept help.

In this way, we can also give our imagination something productive to do. Our imagination is usually all too ready to dish out vivid mental pictures of how disastrous asking for and accepting help might be. With constructive, proactive visualization strategies, we can preempt its regularly scheduled programming and put it to work visualizing positive outcomes instead!

So this week, as you are building on what you have learned about recognizing when you need help, and asking for that help, also make sure to visualize yourself accepting that help when it comes. Visualize how you will express your gratitude (to avoid adding stress to the process, be sure to choose something simple, like saying a genuine “thank you” or sending a sweet short note). Imagine the process of how you will show the other person what you need, including giving them any instructions they might need in order to provide help. Think of what you will do with the energy and time you freed up by not trying to arm wrestle the problem to the floor all by yourself.

Then give yourself a hug and a warm smile full of gratitude for being willing to accept the gift of help when it is offered! This is a courageous act, and you deserve your own gratitude for stepping out of your comfort zone to notice when you need help, ask for that help, and accept it when it is offered.

If you notice you are struggling with accepting help, and you feel uncomfortable allowing yourself to accept help even when it is offered, please consider contacting Southlake Counseling. In more than two decades I have personally assisted hundreds of people to learn how to accept the help both easefully and gracefully. If they can do it, you can too. Southlake Counseling’s staff of caring, highly trained professionals can help you begin to say no to the exhaustion and frustration of withholding help from yourself, and YES to joyfully embracing the help you need and deserve. Visit us today at www.southlakecounseling.com

Be Well,

Kimberly


Published on Monday November 8, 2010 in Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: , , .

Your Say Yes to Life Monday Motivator: How to Ask for Help

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In the last blog post, we discussed how we can re-activate our felt sense of needing help, and from there begin to identify what kind of help is needed. In this second blog post in our “asking for help” series, we will discuss the actual process of how to ask for help.

Asking for help can be problematic. Should we ask? Who should we ask? How should we ask? When should we ask? All of these questions and more jump in line ahead of the actual action of asking for the help we need. Each question demands our attention and detailed consideration before we can move a muscle or utter a word to say, “Help me.” Understandably, by the time we wade through the emotional and mental clutter these complicated questions cause, we are often too weary or discouraged to actually do anything about trying to locate the help we know we need.

I have lost count of the number of times I have discussed with someone at Southlake Counseling about their need for help, and after explaining the whole issue, analyzing it from every angle, and even working together to come up with a plan to address it, the person says, “but it would probably just be easier to take care of it myself after all.”

My question then becomes – easier on WHO?

Definitely, it would be easier on the recipient of the request for help…at least in the short run. But when we factor in resentment on the part of the party who has decided asking for help is not worth the hassle, and confusion on the part of the party who is aware of resentment building but not of its causes, it is clear that un-asked for help has a limited shelf life, and the fall-out later on can be disastrous for any relationship, whether it is romantic, family, friendship, career, or community-related.

So let’s spend a few moments right now simplifying the complex web of questions lying in wait just around every bend where genuine help might also be found.

Should we ask? I have observed that those who wrestle with the question of whether or not to ask for help are rarely the ones who will ever be guilty of not taking enough personal responsibility to do with they can on their own, the answer to this question is almost always a resounding YES.

Who should we ask? This question is best answered once we have identified exactly what type of help we need. Once we know what type of help is needed, the right person for the job becomes much clearer as well. So the answer here is – we should ask the person who can offer the type of help we are seeking.

How should we ask? Rejection is always a potential risk factor in any request for help. However, again in my own years of working with individuals who have been struggling with asking for help, I have also noticed how rarely the person they eventually work up the courage to ask actually rejects them. It seems we all like to feel needed, useful, and valuable, and it is harder than we might assume to turn down someone who sincerely approaches and says, “I need your help.” (NOTE: If you are still doubtful, think of how you would respond if someone walked up to your right now and said to you, “I need your help.” What would you say? Probably, “how can I help you?”!)

When should we ask? Ideally, within a few moments of becoming aware of the help is needed and identifying the appropriate party who can help. However, it is also important to be aware of our own inner state as well as the situation of the other party when we ask. Are they in the middle of a meeting? Did they come home announcing they’ve just had the worst day ever? We should approach the other person when they are free to talk, and ideally when they are calm enough to be attentive to our request. There is no reason to set ourselves up for reinforcement of the belief that no one will help us by choosing to ask at a moment when the other party cannot give any time or attention to our request.

So take some time this week and try these ideas on for size – don’t tackle all the areas where you need help at once. Just pick one area where you’ve been trying to deal with an issue or situation on your own and it is not yielding the desired results. Think of who you can ask for help. Journal about how you want to ask. Then pick a moment when the other person can talk, simply say, “I need your help” and describe the issue you need help with.

If you find that you are having a hard time with the process of asking for help, we invite you to contact Southlake Counseling. Our compassionate, knowledgeable, and experienced staff can support you as you practice asking for, and accepting, the help you need and deserve. If you are ready to say “no” to wearing the weight of your world on your shoulders and “YES” to sharing your burdens with others who can and want to help and support you, then contact us today at www.southlakecounseling.com

Be Well,

Kimberly

Published on Monday November 1, 2010 in Wellness. 0 Comments Tags: , , .